A wandering eye of an Owl: August 2014

The weather outside matches exactly my feeling inside: rainy, foggy, cold, and gloomy. And I thought that goodbyes would get easier by time, but apparently not. Here I am in Caux sitting in my room, listening to my music. Torn apart but yet filled with love and gratefulness.

It’s been a year, exactly a year since I’ve been to Caux. The first time as an intern. How was it? It was one of the best experiences of my life, it was magic. There were 35 of us, all connected and in love with each other. Every night when everyone was done with their workshops and work shifts we used to rush into our own space, Caux-Café or Salon du lac. Spending time together, listening to music, sharing our lives and stories, sharing our moments of laughter and tears. Yes it sounded like a dream, I swear it was a dream, I think it was one of these moments where you feel that the world is perfect, and everybody around you is.

So I had to give back, I felt like I owe Caux what I was given, I owe people that I never met to make sure they’ll have an experience that’s even better than mine. I applied for logistic coordination and I got accepted, few months later I was in Switzerland. I took the train from Geneva to Montreux, and being in Montreux it felt real. It looked so different yet the same, flashbacks started to strike from last year. I missed their presence, my Caux-Bras, their faces and smiles, but hey! It’s not about me anymore, focus, I am here to pass on what I once tasted. I took my train to Caux, and on the way up I couldn’t help but to think of the past. I reached Caux, I walked all over the place starting with the reception area, were we once sat on that very coach, sighed, paused and cried, said our goodbyes and moved on. Down to the main hall, were we stood up sang, danced, got inspired and smiled. Down to the 2nd floor the dining room where we squeezed in, sat next to each other, ate our meals, and shared our stories. Then off to Caux Café were we danced our hearts out, whispered what lied on our hearts, played the guitar, and watched our favorite movies. Salon Du lac, where we gathered, shared our vulnerability, and built our walls then learned how to break them, we shared our lives with each other, and simple thoughts of inspirations, it was where we expressed our frustration side by side to our love and appreciation. The terrace where we bathed under the sun swayed with winds and dreamt of lake Geneva. And finally to roof top where we kissed our evenings on their foreheads with a euphoric setting sun, planting the seeds on inspiration deep within, with hands held, and hearts embraced.

That was Caux for me and many others. I came with a different perception, more like with an empty one holding it to be filled again by the new arriving hearts.

And the interns started to arrive, carrying their bags, and lives awaiting to be shared and altered. Every single one of them coming in with a gift. My role this time was different,, my expectations, my intentions, and my needs were all so different than the ones I had in the previous year. I came in with the theme of giving and passing it on.

The first week was very challenging, it was me and my friend Maushika in the coordination team, and 4 others Athalia, and Alex the trainers, Patty the trainee and Ruth the Mentoring program coordinator. That was us, the team, and it was the beginning of our one month journey. The first week was the introductory week, it was a bit hard, a combination of chores and duties, being aware of the interns, surroundings and having a sense of my team’s dynamic.

Our first day, we all gathered at salon Du lac, had our introductory talks, names, nationalities, and lots of icebreakers. The spirits were really high, everyone filled with excitement, curiosity, and some nervousness of course. After couple of hours we went outside as the sun started to set, and our chats and conversations rose. Everyone standing on the lawns facing lake Geneva, and tucked in by an orange blanket. It was the beginning of that journey.

The week started off with our 2:00am hiking trip to Rocher de Naye (2024 meters above sea level). It was indeed one of the highlights from my last year. So we started marching after meeting up in the reception area and we went up, it was pitch black, but soon our eyes adjusted to the darkness, looking up we could clearly see the stars scattered all over the sky. Walking side by side with people whom some you never spoke before and others that you’re interested in getting to know more. I was walking along with Lynn, when she shared her dream of star gazing with her friends since in china it’s hard to have a clear sky because of the pollution, and just watching her delightfulness to spend that hike under a sky covered with stars that day. Playing music, chatting and walking, that was the shared norm as we hiked our way up. It was cold, and tiring I paused a few times as I was supporting my friend Hala to reach the top, she made it easy with the jokes that she shared, she definitely knows how to lift a spirit. Let’s not forget to mention that Kiprono helped most of the time in supporting her, that as just so soothing to watch, they barely met and knew each other, and there he is supporting her all the way through. Finally after 3 hours of hiking we reached the top. The cheers, laughter, sighs and joys filled up the cold crisp air on that top, and whenever someone new reached the top, the cheers would rise up again along with that person climbing up. As we all gathered on the top, and had our snacks and drinks, the sun slowly started to rise, the view was heavenly great. Enormous Mountains covering the landscapes hugged by marching clouds as the wind blew. Yes! We all did it, that was the first celebration of our unified achievement all together.

We headed back as everything was bright, it was beautiful scenery, as the trees, and the mountains started to wake up after a starry quiet night. Couple of hours later we reached back to the palace, we dispersed to our rooms for showers, rest, and dining rooms for our breakfast. Later that evening we had a bon fire planned where we all gathered at 8:00pm on the edge of the forest, circling the fire and covered with blankets. Yssa was feeding the fire that night, taming it like well-trained wild creature. We sang, we played, shared and ate, had our silent moments staring at the fire, and living our own different worlds and realities. It was a beautiful conclusion of that day. We stayed up late till 1:00am laughing and singing, the skill of being drunk with zero consumption of alcohol.

Days passed and we were in the zone, our daily breakfast meetings, preparations, workshops, intern’s work shifts, debriefings, morning and afternoon quiet times, tea times, night activities, everyday was so different than the other. It was a blessing to watch the transformation of the interns, the way they tackled their challenges, the ways they interacted with each other, and the way their critical minds worked, so much to learn from. I was between two fires, being and observing and learning so much, or falling into the temptation of being involved and being part of them and their happenings, I had to maintain a balance.

I just can’t stop thinking of those moments that we had, those moments when you feel complete, when that very moment feels so perfect, you feel present. Like the afternoon quiet times where we listened to soft music in silence, wrote down our thoughts, and expressed through creativity and doodling, shared our thoughts, tears and smiles, Nalini, Maushika, Andra, Violetta, Valerie, Tetyana, Yssa, thank you for your gifts on those unforgettable quiet afternoons and love that you shared. Or those moments of lying under the stars at 3:00am with Yacoub, Mustafa, and Yssa, I felt part of you guys, and part of that very sky above us. That night that we went down to the jazz festival and danced under the rain, a sense of priceless freedom and joy. Our sunset evenings on the rooftop, with our random conversations, and discussions about life, religion, love, and food, Dalia, Annie, Alex, Ruth, Athalia, Arrienna, Ahmad, and Yssa, those were definitely one of my favorite sunsets. And those amazing nights and talks in the dining room and Caux Café with everyone, Ana, Sophie, Sara, Marienne, Synna, Andrew and Rachel. The crazy cheers during the world cup with Gabby and Najem. Messages sessions with Yacoub, Gabby, Dalia, and Yssa, guys your legends, made everybody’s day worth working hard for, hahahhaha I really need one now. It’s of course worth mentioning that it was Ramadan, and those nights during Suhur and Iftar with everyone around, Veera and Ahmad you gave me stomach Aches from all of the intense laughter, bless you guys :P.

And most importantly I was so grateful for having my brother Mustafa being with me through experience, knowing that from now on I have a huge support back home from someone who shared my very similar experience, and having my uncle visiting us from Paris to check the world that we’re experiencing.

As the days passed, and as the 2nd, 3rd, and the 4th week passed, our bonding grew stronger and stronger every day. We grew together, and learned from each other, listened to each other’s stories that time slowly uncovered. I fell in love with each and every one of them, with their strengths, and their weaknesses. And finally the day had to come, to say our goodbyes. And I only thought that it’ll get easier by time, but apparently it didn’t, and I hope that it wouldn’t. That pain, with all of its beauty, that reminder that once you loved and it pains to be away from the people you fell in love with, it’s one of the strongest signs of existence and life. As we went off to the train stations every time someone left to set them off and say our goodbyes, I would wear my sunglasses to hide my tears. Each and every one of us setting off with their destinies, and the gifts they gave and received in return. They left this place, but stayed in my heart. In each other’s hearts.

It’s one of these places where you share you insecurities and embrace them, learn from them and accept them, and being in a supportive environment of doing so gives you that feeling of belonging, and thriving for more. It’s only when we recognize our insecurities, and accept them is when we start loving people and accept them, and that’s also when we stop judging them because we stopped doing that to ourselves. It was indeed a great lesson to embrace, that people are your reflection and having almost 250 people in such a place and 15 of them to daily interact with is an incredible platform to explore yourself and learn.

And one of the highlights was to see Dasha, Chuan and Zubia from my last year's internship, Dahsa and Chuan back a svolunteers and Zubia as a 2nd session logistic coordinator. I was in the dining room and I saw Dasha from the glass windows of the 3rd floor, our eyes met, heart was beating, she just rushed down and I rushed up, we met on the stairs with teary eyes and just hugged, and we can just feel each other's beating hearts. Few days later Dasha comes to me and tells me go chexk table 7 there's a surprise, so I went there and I just saw my dearest brother Chuan sitting there, you can just imagine the rest of the story. And finally in our final week there I was in Salon Du lac, or the interns room. I was sitting with some of the interns there ans just generally chatting. I opened the window and popped my head out and was talking to Gabriela, one of the interns. And from behind someone pokes me, and it was my precious Zubia, I was shocked we hugged each other soooo tight that when we stopped we couldn't stand, our legs both of us were shaking. I felt so blessed to have these amazing three people there with me and share a unified experience. They were my main source of strength.

I stayed a few days after everyone left, it was so hard. I was torn apart between two time zones, this year’s experience, and my past year with the Caux-Bras 2013. I can see everyone in every corner. Nostalgia is a dirty liar indeed. But I love it. This phase ended but it just began in me, and the journey shall continue. With more hearts to meet, and more lessons to learn.

It was a traumatized love indeed.

My Caux-Bras I love you and miss you so much.