Life in Jeddah

I used to live in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia almost all my life, only visiting Lebanon every summer. Jeddah a beautiful city, with a beautiful life there, very stable. Father with a blissful job, even though he paid his sweat to earn. Loving and compassionate mother with a great white heart, beautiful from the inside out. And two younger brothers, one younger than me by one and a half years and the other by four years, so you can just imagine the situation in the house. My father could afford us a luxurious school to study in and learn, so we were blessed for that. A school with excellent education, and high standard teachers. Friends there were amazing, a handful of them, we still close up till now, despite the distances that separates us. A friendship of more than eight years. It was incredible unforgettable moments together. The times that we used to have after school. Going and having lunch or dinner at our favorite restaurant Al-Beik. Then hanging out at the bowling center, bowling or playing pool, chilling at cafes, or simply going to one of our places and just hanging there. Sometimes for studying before our exams, working with each other on projects, or simply just having a good time. And it was all about having good times. Just no worries, no questions to be asked, and nothing to look for. Life seemed really simple and joyful. Teachers were very supportive and fun to be around, some had creative ways to teach, engaging everyone, and creating a sense excitement behind every class, and of course not all were the same, but we still managed to have a good time in such moments. I remember waking up everyday being so excited to go to school and meet up with my friends and attend my favorite classes and participate in. But before all of that, when I was really young in my early stages at school, I was very rebellious and didn't quite fit well with my classmates and used to get in a lot of fights and all kinds of troubles, I was of course bullied then and avoided by my classmates. I think it was due to the fact that my parents decided to admit me to school at the age of two and the half. I was still very young, I can still remember my first day in school the principle herself carried me and took me to class, I was crying hysterically, yelling punching and kicking her, and cursing. I remember my father's gentle eyes looking at me, and standing down the stairs telling me not to worry and promising me that he's going to be there waiting for me at the gate. That gave me a comfort even though I knew it was a lie. I think it went on the situation for almost a year, creating a great sense of insecurity inside of me, and fear of losing the ones that I love, and that fear of being alone or left out in world of strangers. But later on as I grew up I kind of adjusted to sudden changes. But that fear of losing the ones that I loved and being lonely was planted in me till now. Funny how memories of the past still echoes until now, trying to tell us something.

My birthday at school, am with the one holding the dog. Half of the people in the picture we're still close friends till now.

In my teenage phase, KSA was like a time for reflection to me. A calm place my roots of light to grow not knowing the purpose but following a beating heart. A regular life we had there. Great friends, great food, great house fueled with a loving family, and supportive people close to our hearts. On weekends we used to go to public park and gather with some of our close friends, or going to beach, which was my favorite. It’s always vast and full of life despite it’s depth. And my favorite part was that it wasn't crowded at all, only handful of people. And the best part when the sun starts to set. My family and our friends would be starting to pack and I would just stand there looking at the sun sinking into the ocean with it’s beautiful light orange color. I would just stare and smiling as if I had a clue of what’s coming. I didn't have to worry about the future, it was one of these rare moments in which you would feel present. My parents worked hard to make sure we won’t worry about the future and taught us how to live in the present and just be. Their positive outlook on the future just amazed me the way they talked about building our dream home in Lebanon, and describing how it would look like, with a beautiful smile on their faces. It was easy for me to daydream and see joy in everything, I saw true beauty and hope in everything. That small flower shop down the corner looked so beautiful, with it's diverse and fancy plants and flowers, wondering about their origins and the places they grew in. Looking at people in their cars when we used to stop for traffic, wondering about their lives, and the backgrounds that they came from, stories that they had, and things they saw in life. Or those stars in the sky wondering who's looking at them at the same time that I am and who they can see from up there. Sunsets were divine they just calmed my soul every time they settled, and the beautiful strange things about Jeddah is that life starts there at sunsets. Families gathering at night sitting together for dinner or watching a movie. Having guests and dear friends, playing games, and eating what we like. Playing cards, or video games, watching a movie in the dim lights or just listening to music. Going out for shopping malls, or going to the park for small walks, or soothing dinners at the shore of the beach. It was a beautiful life. And it was life. Or was it?


I always knew there’s more in life. There’s something out there with a bigger meaning than providing a safe and secure life. But things are not perfect all of the times. Golden innocence scared by the viciousness of wounded hearts, contaminated by a blinding poison. It was what gave life to the war of the inner wolves. The white and the black. Joy and pain. And what a beautiful mixture. But it was a lot for a child to bare and take responsibility of. Trying to mend the scar, bringing only more pain. I feared. But my fear guided me gripping on my hand, showing me the way, and opening my eyes on corners of realizations. Key to portals of strength. And life moved on. I perfected the art of suppressing my dark box, almost forgetting it consciously. As life moved on trying to let go, and avoiding to face my demons, which created the monster that only stroke with no further signs, that monster of loneliness. Despite all of the people that surrounded me and the friends that I had, that gave love and support. I still couldn't feel any of their love and couldn't relate to any, I was lonely but never sad. As if that feeling of loneliness had a lesson to teach. I wasn't quite sure but was at peace with that. Was it always at peace? No. At times it killed me because I wasn't patient, it killed me because I desperately needed a shoulder to cry on, and I was tired of being that shoulder all the time for others. That feeling of observing silently and waiting for someone to look at your soul through your eyes and say "I feel what’s inside, without saying a single word". A gentle touch that no you’re not alone and I see what you see. But I loved my wondering confusion, it created my endless curiosity of searching, and diving into people’s souls through their eyes. I recall one of the most joyful moments that passed through my life in Jeddah was the birth of my little sister. She was our little angel. Pure joy. Referring to a brief past of my parents. Before I was born, my parents had our first angel, my elder sister. She was a divine beauty, with her dark black hair, sparkling blue eyes, bright snow white skin, and rosy lips. But at the age of two she was taken gently by the angels to heaven. Her death left my parents in a dark pain. My mom losing a piece of her heart at a very young age, and my father’s angel was no more. It was a cloud that covered my family and relatives for a long while. Afterwards having my baby sister was a reminder of God’s true blessings. A baby girl that my parents missed to have in years.