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| Tableland, Panchgani, India, Sunrise... Taken from my phone... |
Today I can
say is a turning point in my life in terms of awareness and realization; it was
the quiet day in the center-Asia Plateau-India, At least for the interns and
their coordinators. It all started by a gathering at 6:00 o’clock in the
morning in front of the reception area, knowing that my greatest enemy is
waking up early especially in cold days, but this time was different, this time
I was so interested and curious of the quiet day, I truly needed it because the
past few days I was in a reflective mode, didn't feel like talking to anyone,
or looking at anyone’s face, I wanted to be alone, to see what’s going inside,
why this pain, why this feeling of loneliness and emptiness, what
triggered it, what was lying behind it. So I spent almost 3 hours in the Mami Room or
the prayer room, just reflecting in silence and reading a book on energies and
emotions, so a quiet day was the perfect fit for inner exploration. The
instructions were clear, no talking, no eye contact, no touching, no phone,
laptops, internet or other gadgets, and finally fasting and having only fruit and water which was optional. The quiet time was from 6:00am till 3:00pm,
and he had to meet in the Mami room for sharing. So going back to the reception area, the plan was to gather there, no contact of any and march to table land
which is the plateau, India’s largest Plateau. I was the first to arrive then
came Jayang, one of the coordinators, it wasn’t hard to ignore, and the rest
started coming but not all so it was 6:00 and I didn’t want to wait, should I
wait or move on a certain queue or signal? Hell, it’s my day am free and free
means no restrictions, so I started marching, and I could then hear footsteps
behind me so we all started moving, the dawn was slightly dark and very cold.
We walked for 15 min and reached the beginning of the Table Land, not a single
word, not a look to the face. I headed to my favorite spot a narrowed cliff at
the end of the Plateau, an open space, a perfect view of my world, isolated and
not visible. As I reached there and sat in my spot, I felt Athalia(our
coordinator) five meters away on my left and Fatima on my right, guess it
wasn’t invisible enough and wasn’t my favorite spot alone. I sat there holding
my backpack like a shield, to protect me from the freezing wind striking that
edge, I was trying to relax but that was hard, but the view was breath taking
that made me oversee the wind for a while. And out of nowhere a shattered
circle appeared with a very light orange pinkish color, it was the sun rising
and boy it was quick, growing larger and brighter, and higher. I teared up,
that was my initial response, witnessing such perfection, such harmony, and
divinity. My pain that I had for two days triggered that, I felt connected in a way
that am not quite sure of, but still felt at peace eventually because I was
one, and present. The beauty of the sun rising is my purpose, and the cold
striking wind are the challenges that am facing. I sat there till I couldn’t
take it anymore, it was so cold and windy that it was hard to open my eyes, plus I
needed some privacy and a space of me being. I got up and started moving,
exploring the place, walking through dried ponds, and passing through ones that
still were there, so peaceful. I reached to another side of the Plateau, and there
was a separate cliff that I needed to jump to reach there, and I did, the view
was spectacular still cold, sat for few minutes and looked for another spot, at
the time I was marching I could see my friends from a long distance, scattered, I
was curious about who’s where and what spots they are in, even though I wanted
to be isolated but still, my nature is to be with others, and I am always
curious about others around. So there was another cliff with a beautiful view
of the river, reflecting the sun, not so windy and the ground is relatively
soft. I sat down, and the sun was rising, warmth increasing but still cold. I was relaxed, I
was with myself finally. What’s on my mind, anything to do? No. Pressure? No.
Time track? None. It was the perfect
space for looking deep inside.It was the moment of truth, what I felt was the present, as simple as that, no past and no future, first time in life. With nothing but my backpack, water, four bananas, and my thoughts.
I allowed all of my feelings to come to the surface, all of my thoughts to
wonder, at the beginning it was so crowded, all wanted to be heard, all wanted
to come out, and I listened! I listened with my heart. No over-thinking, no
judgments, no assessment, no calculations, no fears, no answers, no questions
and no expectations, just listening. And oh boy! Such a joy, how silly my fears
were, how silly my concerns were, how minor my problems. After all of that, a
huge wave of gratitude came, filling my heart and soul, it was overwhelming
that I had to lay down on the ground, took off my shoes, I wanted my feet to be
rooted to the ground, and my back pack supporting my head. I held a small stone
in my hand and the sunlight was covering the grass in front of my eyesight,
shinning with a golden glow, dancing on the melody of the wind. That stone made
me feel so real and present, I didn’t want to let it go, and I was banging it
to a bigger rock next to me, such a beautiful sound, and such a beautiful
existence. I closed my eyes, slept for I don’t know how long, but I dreamt, it
was blank and peaceful, a dream never experienced before. At the cliff my world
stopped, and felt whole, I felt am not part of any, but I am the any itself. I
had some bananas and water and sat down. Took my shirt off, wanted sun, I
wanted warmth, I was free. Sat and meditated feeling the energy of my
surrounding, of the whole universe, or at least my understanding of it. After a
long while, I stood up, put my shirt on, and had a walk barefooted, wandering
around, through some stones, imagining that am transferring all of the negativity
to that stone in my hand, and making it fly away. I packed my stuff and went
for a walk to explore more. No one was in sight, so I walked to another edge,
and sat with a different view and perspective. Down there was a field with
trees and golden hay, dancing as the wind blew, no rhythm but a beautiful
disarrangement. I Sat for a while and spotted one of my friends, Rufus, sitting on an edge next to me but I don’t think he saw me. Later on went on exploring
the huge plateau and checking other spots. As I walked, I saw a pack of cows and
Oxus, I was a bit afraid to be overwhelmed by any sudden movement by them. But
I trusted them, why should I fear them? I am one with them, and I have joy in my
heart so am sure they’ll sense that. Walked to the center of the Plateau
because I felt that I need to be in the center and not the edges anymore. There
was a small golden field of dried grass, laid down with my eyes closed, and
took a brief nap, so warm, and comfortable. Pictures of my family just
blossomed in my mind, and my loving family members, grandma, my aunts, and
cousins, I felt at peace because I was surrounded by love, and then remembered
my friends, international, and local ones, and the ones I met in India, it’s a
true blessing, and I felt so grateful. I stood up again and decided to look
around on my way back to the MRA center and my room. I walked down, bumped into
people but didn’t initiate any gesture. Walked straight to my room, with such a
mind full of amazement and peace from within, changed my cloths prepared some of
the herbs that my mom sent from Lebanon. I rushed to my phone to check the time
and it was 12:30, Sat on my bed, relaxed for a while, and decided to go out for
a walk in the center. I went straight to a small pond sat there took off my
slippers and dipped my toes in the water, with the fish tickling my toe tips. As I was sitting I spotted two kids playing with their bicycles, I felt
this eagerness inside of me to ride the bike since it was my passion since I was a kid, it gave me a great sense of freedom. So I waved with my hands and smiled, they
knew what I wanted, yes I broke the rule of eye contact but I trusted it and
kids are pure, so they smiled back and lend me one of the bikes, I wandered
around and raced with the other kid, a sense of ultimate freedom, being a kid
again, and oh boy, we brutally kill our inner child now a days, for the sake
of what we call maturity, blinded from the fact that they are the key to this
life with their purity, honesty, and trust. Afterwards went again to my room
and decided to take a nap, before the sharing and it was almost 2:00 so I had
an hour. After an hour woke up and went straight to the Mami room. And everyone
started coming, and the silence was broken by a bronze bell-like tool. And it
was time to share by describing the feeling in one word, and mine was free. And
from the sharing I realized that I wasn’t the only one who was looking for
others, and being conscious about their presence, some had negative thoughts,
some creative ideas, some got bored, others inspired, and some asked questions.
And finally one of the sharing’s that caught me was one of my friends, Aris, he
stated that when people passed by him and didn’t have contact with them and
them with him, he felt invisible, but for me people felt invisible, and I felt
that I am the one who existed.
To sum it, I’ll
say it was one of the best experiences in my life, with a great lesson lying
behind it which came from the realization that I am the one responsible for how
I feel not others, and the world is my creation, its how I see and view it,
meaning there isn’t any fixed reality to that. And most importantly is to find
time for ourselves to settle and calm down, and just be with ourselves, with
complete silence and allowing our emotions to flow through and never resist. We
are truly just as present as the small stone on the ground, and we’ll find
peace when we hold on to nothing and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and to be
weak, to dance thoroughly to the music played by winds.
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