My India(Quiet Time)Part 2

And our journey started. After our carpet meeting we went on for a center tour, as I said the center is really huge and has stories behind every corner, and aunty Leena took us to uncover these stories and have a broader idea of what the center is all about and its history. A quick brief history, the center was built by an Australian guy called Mike brown who voluntarily built the whole center free of charge simply because he had a strong call about doing so. The area was a desert like place with only one tree standing and now it’s greener than ever, 80 percent of the forest self generated naturally and other trees were planted by hand. That single tree is standing strong there until now. Talking more about the location of the center, it’s located on a hill station previously a volcanic area with volcanic rocks all over the place. And the rest of the center was created out of donations and contributions of various people from all over the world. Starting from the Auditorium, a huge hall easily fitting more than 300 people, chairs being donated by people with their names inscribed on the back of every chair. With an old piano placed at the corner of the room, phone booths for translations during international conferences, a big stage for performances, presentations, and facilitation duties, huge water tanks under the auditorium designed for saving rain water during the monsoons, we use this water in the center for drinking and for other purposes. Heading to the foyer where small programs and icebreakers are usually held, along with the smiling Ghandi statue standing there, donated by the locals in Panchgani as a sign of appreciation of the place. Heading towards the African Lounge with an African theme filled with souvenirs of African portraits, handmade sculptures, musical instruments and Ghandi's wooden table in the center of the room donated by the Ghandi’s family, and several corners of tables and chairs . Next to that room, is the Asia Lounge of course with an Asian theme with corners of Cambodia, Afghanistan, China and several other countries. And at the end of that floor, the Australia room which was dedicated to Gordon Brown, named after him initially but he refused and wanted it to be named after his country and his people. It is a small conference room equipped with chairs, projector and a board, small conferences and workshops are held there. Then finally moving to the small bookstore room filled with IofC books that are for sale. Going up to the first floor is the small dining room and the big dining room. A story behind the wooden chairs and tables and how they were bought, how Uncle Suresh (Aunty Leena’s Husband) went for an auction to buy the wood for making these chairs and table, and the bid started and it was high and uncle Suresh had only a few thousand rupees on him, so he stood up on that pile of wood with a  voice of desperation explaining what these woods would be used for and what is all the center about so people aided him buying the wood and taking it to the center. Moving on to the kitchen which is the best part, where all of the goodies are made, a section for the veg-food and another section for the non-veg which was rarely used (unfortunately for me), and another section which is the wash-up area, in which everyone of all ages, titles, and races from different countries and religions simply do the wash up service i.e, doing the dishes and sorting them out after drying them, a symbolism of equality and unity. And then to the northeast room which is similar to the Australian room, a room for small conferences and workshops equipped with chairs and all technical stuff, with all of the northeastern theme which is the north east part of India including the seven sisters. 

And finally the heart of the center. The Mami room, or the prayers room, a circular room with jute carpets all over for absorbing sound and noises, with a huge old chandelier on the ceiling and short chairs encircling the room, and at the center is a small round table covered with books from all different faiths. What is it that makes that room so special? Well, it’s said to be the heart of the center, but not only that, it is the heart of the whole IofC concept, and whole IofC concept is based on a main Idea which is the quiet time or the time of silence. The time in which you remain silent and still with nothing in the world except for you and yourself, reflecting on what’s lying within and what’s inside, giving a chance to yourself to just shutdown and listen. Listen to what that small voice from inside is trying to say, craving to come out, the voice of conscious, the voice of the heart, the voice of God. It’s a practice of staying silent in the morning, writing whatever thoughts come to your mind, and sharing it with people around you or whom you trust or care about. It can happen at any time during the day not necessary the morning, it could be in the middle of the night, it could be in the middle of any time and space, but to make the process easier you create a space in the early morning were nothing can disrupt that peace, and you are having a clear mind. So it was definitely a part of our internship, quiet time every morning at 7:00am Monday, Wednesday, and Friday community quiet time, and on Tuesdays, and Thursdays personal quiet times. So during our first exposure to it, we gathered and sat down encircling the room, some of us sat on the chairs others on the ground, and started our quiet time sitting silently for almost an hour and then 15 minutes of sharing. Gosh it was exhausting and so boring I couldn’t stand to sit any longer, no thoughts came and waking up at 6:30am was enough by itself, it was cold and I was so sleepy and everyone is just sitting there with their notebooks writing stuff down I din’t what. The second day passed and quiet time came and the third and the fourth. I grabbed a book of mine and started reading it, just to distract myself. And it went this way for almost a month and the sharings that they shared didn’t interest me and I thought that they were so boring and superficial. So for me that was it, I had to do something and the issue was that it’s obligatory and I had to be there, all of us. I raised my complaint and we had a meeting, we sat down and started discussing it as a team, more like as a family the interns and the coordinators. And it seemed that it was only me who had an issue with the quiet time. My excuse was that it should be optional the sharings are being superficial and am not having any thoughts at all, and that am having my quiet time at night I don’t need it to be at the morning time. But apparently majority ruled and I was so upset and furious, they told me to give it more time, which made me more angry and resistant. And I developed a habit that I used to have earlier before coming to India which is judging and criticizing others. That also increased and created that ill feeling towards others making assumptions about their intentions and motives. So overall I wasn’t comfortable at all with my stay there everyone seemed so dull and superficial for me, we’re not doing anything besides workshops and center work and supporting other programs. Then during that first month Fatima approached me while we were working down stairs at the bookstore sorting books and arranging them accordingly, “you know I was thinking about going back home, I mean I feel like we’re not doing anything here”. That made me even more depressed and frustrated, “Fatima why would you want to give up now? We didn’t even start yet!”. Fooling myself even though I felt the same. I directly headed to our coordinator telling her how Fatima was feeling and I need your help, and deep down inside it was me who needed help and it was also me who wanted to also leave, but I was trying to be smart, fooling myself. Then we sat with one of the Ex- interns who came back as a volunteer, her name is Peno from Nagaland which is the northern east part of India . She sat with us both and said “You know what? I had exactly the same feeling you guys are having when I first came here I said to myself what the heck am I doing here? And I was ready to pack my stuff and just leave, I hated quiet times and didn't find any use of it. But later on things just shifted drastically not because of the situation, but because I shifted and changed drastically. I can’t tell you how or what happened because even I don’t know, but you’ll find your own way, everyone of us has their own way.” Her talk lifted our spirits up, and gave us hope.






Since day one in Panchgani, I was confronted by my emotions, starting by feelings such as fears, judgments, impatience, driven by my emotions and passion, Jealousy and possessiveness, all of which made me lose the sense of being present. The outcome was scary, self-destructive thoughts came, I started comparing myself to others, the need for recognition and attention, assessing my behaviors and how good I am by how much attention I got from the people surrounding me. My first challenge was judgments and dealing with judgments, mistaking them sometimes with instincts and institution with just pure judgments, with different intentions. I came to a realization that people are our mirrors, how we see them reflects what’s inside. I realized that when I used to harshly criticize or judge people, and despise them. But later on I started to love these people, so I was trying to find the reason behind that why? My friends used to point out, “you’ll be one day despising and condemning that person and the other day you’ll be like that person is amazing, he’s so pure so innocent, so inspiring”. Which made me think and question my emotions and thoughts, and then I came to know that I used to be pointing out the things that other people had and I condemned, already existed in me and I had them in me the whole time subconsciously, they reflected my fears, my doubts and insecurities, whenever I used to feel afraid or insecure I used to judge and blame it on others, which made me feel in power for brief moments. But later on not seeing that characteristic or trait in others, and starting to love these people, made me rethink and see things from different perspectives. I looked inside, and discovered that I had that trait in me, that’s why I can see it in others and relate to it with others, and only when I dealt with that trait within me, could I start to love these people thus loving myself in that certain corner and dealing with it… That realization made my relationships with others more and more clear, and it was bliss that I could see myself in others, and that if I despised certain things in that person then, it was a clear raised flag that I needed to start changing that thing within me in order to see that change in others. I used it as measuring tool for my behavior and  actions and it carved path for me to change and move along that rail of inner change. And that was my start. One of the locks unlocked. And one of the keys found. So is it an instinct or a judgment? Seeing that in others, and feel that intention in others? Well, it’s only us who decide that. If we reacted and acted upon that judgment and expressed it then it would turn into negativity, forcing the other person to go under a defensive position and draining your energy, but if we kept it inside of and observed, waiting for the right opportunities to help and be there for that person then that’s when it turns into an instinct and a gift. It’s an amazing ability and bliss to feel other people’s emotions and intentions, but it’s a split, opposite ends, a choice between to suffer or blossom, to react or respond.






The second emotion that I had to deal with was jealousy. And boy I learned that the hard way. I felt like a horrible person after the realization but soon I looked up again at the bright side and the gift jealousy had to bring. I used to feel that cancer consuming my soul, fed by jealousy and fake ego, and the problem is that if I decided not go up, I would pull people down and prevent them from rising, and if they did, I criticized them. But by time I realized that my behavior had zero effect on others but tremendous one on myself. It made me compare myself with others, underestimating myself and abilities, not recognizing and embracing my uniqueness and differentiation from others. I wanted what they had, and do what they did, neglecting my true path and true self, it was like my soul stopped in the middle of the road and my ego went out to reach for others paths, neglecting my own and shutting down what God had given me. But I chose to recognize my gifts and what God had given me, to cherish my path and embrace it, and it opened my eye to that my soul which was the missing puzzle piece for that path. I then came to realize after talking to Rhea, that this feeling comes when we see the beauty in others and in their actions, and deep down inside wanting that beauty, why? Well, because it already exists deep down in us, but it just needs time and space to blossom and open up. So we have options, to act open when we feel jealous, either to hate, judge, hold down, and condemn, sending the message to the universe that am not strong enough to handle what that person have and I don’t, and I want it now!, or we can respond by recognizing other’s gifts and success, and appreciating them for that, sending a message to the universe that “yes, I see that beauty, and am so grateful for recognizing that, and I would like to have it someday please”.






All of these emotions and more kept me feeling off balance, not focused on my track, and drifted me away from my true self and purpose of being. I lost the sense of being, of living in the present, and it’s one of the most destructive things to do, to be floating with our negativity, so engaged with our emotions that blinds us from our realities, distracting us from the reality that we want, falling into one that we created that doesn’t serve or fit what we are meant to be in. I say it’s a thing that am still struggling with, but the difference is that I have started to recognize it, and stopped over thinking stuff, letting them be, and not resisting, allowing all circumstances in and feeling all of the needed emotions, experiencing them and learning from them. Not worrying about the future, but trusting what’s going to happen, hope for the best and be positive about it, no matter how dark it might seem, or how unclear it might be, but be open to what’s coming and what’s going to happen. I think about how stuck I used to feel and how the situation seemed impossible, but yet, I had his uneasy joy inside that something is coming, that something is going to happen, something is waiting for me, I am meant to serve and fulfill. Despite all of the lonely nights, all of the crowded people around me and none that I can connect with, despite of sleeping in the dark with my music on, I used to smile, I used to feel what’s coming. I hugged my fears, and waited. My path started to show and lighten up, people started illuminating around me like beautiful lanterns and flying up high in the sky guiding me to my way. What lied within me started to unlock, allowing others hearts to unlock, and allowing that sparkle to grow, I am the creation of others handprints on my soul that helped it grow. As if we’re all sleeping in a deep sleep from an endless universal war, and waking up slowly to go back to our source, our source of unity, the ultimate perfection and enlightenment. And the learning never ends, and our growth never stops.






I had all of these thoughts and emotions within me and they came up when I sat quietly with myself, triggering all of these things, which at one point made me run away from quiet time. Stillness terrified me, chased that demon inside of me that was feeding on my soul the whole time. Later on, as the months passed during my stay, I discovered that stillness and that time of silence were the ultimate gift that I can give to myself. As my best friend, and my brother used to say, “we need to bath constantly to clean ourselves from outside, okay, but what about the inside? Quiet time is then our inner shower and we need it more frequently to constantly clean ourselves from within”. And as uncle Suresh used to say, “Add an edge to your life and make it extra-ordinary and that extra-ordinary is the quiet time”. And writing our thoughts down is indeed a spiritual practice, it grounds them down and it helps them to shape. When I started writing my thoughts down and sharing them with others that day, I went to the office to bring some markers and what I saw on the table there was a small advertisement logo for a paper company saying “Thoughts shape up when you put them down.” And that was God’s way of speaking to me and showing me signs that I was too blind to see and too deaf to hear.





The Third phase of my stay was the greatest bliss that God had showed me, that gift of love of giving and receiving love. Not any kind of love but the type that is beyond my needs, the type that makes you feel beautifully vulnerable and naked, embracing your weaknesses and growing side by side with the people that you love, making the only language of communication, the language of the eyes and the unspoken words while the music of silence is being played. It’s so divine that putting it down in words would be the toughest job to do.(To be continued).