Corrupt free country! A truly democratic country! Hate,
hunger, and greed free. That was my dream. I marched with thousands and
addressed thousands more. I fought against black money, right to information
and right to education. Acts to pass it unto the government for implementation.
I participated in India’s biggest movement, the Anna Hazari movement. I got
countless national awards and praises.
I founded my own team against corruption, and towards social
work.
In my team was that girl. Once I visited her place because she wasn’t
feeling well, she was in deep depression it was written all over her face. “Kya
Howwa?” (What’s wrong). She spoke and her tears were racing down her cheeks.
She was tired of life… Tried to commit suicide many times. All what I offered
to her was my ears and heart, the gift of listening… An offer that remained for
30 days until her face started changing, brightening up and glowing… She was
out of depression… Eventually I fell in love with her, and she did the same… We
had each others backs, a connection that no one could understand… She was my
world…. my life…
I proposed! She said yes… The word spread among our friends
and families…. It was some kind of a fairytale… I was her hero and she was my
princess… Happily ever after?
I thought it was… Until that day she came up to me and said.
“I can’t marry you! You’re not practical, you’re too emotional. Always thinking
about other's needs, and people’s needs, what about our needs?”
Those few words of her were just enough for my world to
collapse. A shocking stab to the heart… With a twist of that sharp blade…
One year of depression… One year caged in my room…
My inner bars… and outer ones…
The world was dark and gloomy… Filled up with fear and
hatred…
My demons came to life… I was in a constant battle with
them… I couldn’t resist…
I had no courage to face them… I didn’t have the courage to
face myself…
I even wasn’t able to move my body… I was paralyzed… Chained
to my bed… Tears frozen on the sides of my eyes…
My sky was that ceiling and that fan.. They were in a dark
gloomy motion, yet still…
In front of my bed was my bike… All what I could do is play
the memories of the past like a VCR tape over and over again sobbing on what
was gone, and what once was felt… The times which we used to ride the bike
together, sing love songs… laugh… Chase the city lights… Chase the setting sun
of the day…
My world was perfect… And suddenly no more…
My world became a living hell…
My mom and sisters used to come to my room, call me to go
out, beg me to go out…. To talk to people…
I swear I used to shiver whenever I spoke to that kid that
lived next door. .. I didn’t have the courage… I didn’t know what to say… I was
too weak…
All what I had within me was a question mark in a very dark
place.
After few months I started looking for answers… I started
looking for God… I had some courage of what was left of me to step out of my
room… Visiting temples, churches, and mosques, seeking God, questioning him…
Beginning him…
What’s wrong with me? What’s happening? Why is it happening
to me??
All what I did during all day long… Was eating, sleeping and
reading…
I started with holy books of all religions…
And what I discovered! Was one phrase that all books had in
common…
“Nothing is permenant!”… I said to myself, even though I
didn’t believe any single bit of it at that time…
“This too shall pass”…
I felt it somehow…
Everyday waking up… What shall I do today… Why am I waking
up??
I used to go on the streets and walk recklessly… Hoping for
a truck to run me over and end my misery…
Life… Was a burden…
One day! This thought came to me…
Because of my desires, I got my depression… And my strongest
desire was attachment… I wanted her!
As my desires grew, my demons grew…
And I realized I had the choice… And I had the answer!
No more… I wish to continue with my life… I’ll keep on
searching for answers…
But not this way…
Through that pain… I discovered God… The God within me…
Love is letting go… Knowing it’s something you’ll ever lose…
And somehow… Somewhere… Love and God… Are connected…
How?
That’s what I’m looking for…
That’s what we’re looking for…
Background: It took me one day in that room to feel the presence of a story, waiting to be shed and told.
Himanshu Bharat, one of my closest friends, during one of our outreaches in India we visited his hometown Lucknow, and stayed at his place. I spent one night in that room, and every corner I looked at I felt that a big story was lying behind it. I took the liberty to ask, and a story was behind it indeed...
Thank you Himanshu for giving me the liberty to share a part of you through the part of me that lived it...
There's always hope! No matter how dark the room is, no matter how chained our feet are!!
PS: Pictures Taken by me, all originated from his bedroom.
